24/04/2023
Police Oracle
Anjum Mouj continues a series of articles on domestic abuse by looking at more than 20 common myths about the issue
Domestic abuse is a pervasive problem in the UK, with an estimated 1.6 million women and 786,000 men experiencing domestic abuse in the past year alone[1]. Unfortunately, there are many myths surrounding domestic abuse that can prevent victims from seeking help or getting the support they need.
Here are common myths about domestic abuse in the UK, and the reality behind them:
Myth 1: Domestic abuse only happens from men toward women
Reality: While women are more likely to experience domestic abuse than men, men can also be victims of domestic abuse. According to the Office for National Statistics, 13.2% of men in the UK have experienced domestic abuse since the age of 16, compared to 26.4% of women. Important to also note where women are 'perpetrators' violence towards men looks differently. Women are often acting in self-defence, the incidents tend to be one-off and the severity of violence is different.
Myth 2: Domestic abuse only happens in heterosexual relationships
Reality: Domestic abuse can happen in any type of relationship, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. According to the charity Galop, 25% of LGBT+ people in the UK have experienced domestic abuse.
Myth 3: Domestic abuse only happens in poor or disadvantaged families
Reality: Domestic abuse can happen in any type of family, regardless of income or social status. It is important to note that domestic abuse is a pattern of behaviour, not a one-off incident, and can affect anyone.
Domestic abuse can affect any woman regardless of her race, colour, religion, socioeconomic status, sexual orientation or level of confidence and inner strength. The only common denominator within a domestic abuse situation is a perpetrator.
Myth 4: Incidents of physical abuse only occur one or two times in a relationship
Reality: Studies indicate that if a spouse/partner has injured their spouse/partner once, it is likely they will continue to physically assault them. Also, crucial to note that violence escalates in severity and frequency and exists alongside other forms of VAWG – mental and emotional abuse and harm, financial control, coercion amongst other form of power and control.
Myth 5: Domestic abuse is always physical
Reality: Domestic abuse can take many forms, including emotional, psychological, financial, and sexual abuse. These forms of abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse and can leave lasting psychological scars. Psychological abuse can be caused by repeated putdowns and name-calling, intimidation and harassment that make victims feel bad about themselves. It is likely to feature yelling and threats of physical assaults, threats to leave or threats of suicide. Looks, actions and expressions might be used to instil fear. Items valuable to the victim might be destroyed or their pets harmed. Psychological abuse can include mind-game manipulation and control of someone’s money, time, vehicle or contact with friends as a way of asserting power over them. Domestic abuse does not always include physical violence.
The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 defines domestic abuse as an incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading and violent behaviour, including sexual violence, by a partner or ex-partner. These incidents can include coercive control; psychological and/or emotional abuse; physical abuse; sexual abuse; financial abuse; harassment; stalking; and/or online or digital abuse.
Myth 6: The incidents of physical abuse seem minor when compared to those you have read about, seen on television or heard other women talk about.
Reality: There isn’t a “better” or “worse” form of physical abuse; you can be severely injured as a result of being pushed, for example. Not all domestic abuse is physical. Psychological and emotional abuse doesn’t leave cuts and bruises and broken bones. But the unseen, emotional damage can be as great and the effects as long-lasting.
Myth 7: Domestic abuse only happens in married or long-term relationships
Reality: Domestic abuse can happen in any type of relationship, including casual relationships or those that have just started.
Myth 8: Domestic abuse is a private matter and should be kept within the family
Reality: Domestic abuse is a crime and should be reported to the police. It is not a private matter and can have serious consequences for the victim and their children.
Myth 9: Abusers are not in control of their behavior
Reality: Abusers pick and choose whom to abuse. They don’t insult, threaten, or assault everyone in their life who gives them grief. Usually, they save their abuse for the people closest to them, the ones they claim to love.
They control themselves until no one else is around to see their abusive behavior. They may act like everything is fine in public but lash out instantly as soon as you’re alone.
Abusers can stop their abusive behavior when it benefits them. Most abusers are not out of control. In fact, they’re able to immediately stop their abusive behavior when it’s to their advantage to do so (for example, when the police show up or their boss calls).
Violent abusers usually direct their blows where they won’t show. Rather than acting out in a mindless rage, many physically violent abusers carefully aim their kicks and punches where the bruises and marks won’t show.
Domestic abuse is a choice to behave in a controlling way; it is not simply about being angry, although someone may appear very angry. Abusive tactics are employed by perpetrators regardless of whether they feel anger or not.
Myth 10: If it was that bad, she’d leave
Reality: This minimises the horrific reality of abuse and puts the responsibility of the abuse onto the victim. The correct question should be, "Why doesn't the abuser stop?"
Women stay in abusive relationships for many different reasons, and it can be very difficult to leave an abusive partner – even if the victim wants to. Like any other relationship, one that ends in abuse began with falling in love and being in love. Abuse rarely starts at the beginning of a relationship, but when it is established and often harder to leave.
A person may still be in love with their partner and believe them when they says sorry and it won’t happen again; they may be frightened for their life or for the safety of children if they leave; they may have nowhere to go; they may have no financial independence. Abusers often isolate their partners from family and friends to control them, making it even more difficult for an abused person to exit the relationship.
An abuser will ensure their victim thinks they cannot cope alone, will undermine, and put them down until they believe they can’t cope alone. It can appear financially impossible to leave the situation and statistically in term of women victims[2], the time a woman is at most risk of being murdered is when she is trying to leave an abusive relationship. Therefore, leaving is a very dangerous choice and should be done, wherever possible, with support from trained professionals[3].
Women in abusive relationships need support and understanding – not judgement.
Myth 11: They can be a good partner even if they abuse their partner – the parents’ relationship doesn’t have to affect the children
Reality: An estimated 90% of children whose mothers are abused witness the abuse. The effects are traumatic and long-lasting. When a child witnesses domestic abuse, this is child abuse. Between 40% and 70% of these children are also direct victims of the abuse which is happening at home.
By being abusive in front of the children, they are being a bad parent. A good parent respects and values the other parent of the children, whether they are biological children or not.
Myth 12: She provoked him
Reality: This myth is widespread and deep-rooted. It is often based on the belief that the man is the head of the family, and that his role is to punish his partner or children if they act in a way he doesn’t approve of.
The myth is dangerous because any reference to ‘provocation’ means that we are blaming the woman and relieving the abuser of responsibility for his actions.
Abuse or violence of any kind is never the victim’s fault. Responsibility always lies with the perpetrator, and with them alone.
Myth 13: Domestic abuse is a private family matter, and not a social issue.
Reality: Violence and abuse against women and children incurs high costs for society: hospital treatment, medication, court proceedings, lawyers’ fees, imprisonment – not to mention the psychological and physical impact on those who experience it.
All too often, when women disclose their abuse, no one listens to them, and no one asks them what they would like to happen next.
Domestic abuse happens every single day all over the world, it is a serious, widespread crime.
Myth 14: Pornography is not linked to violence against women
Reality: Most consumers of pornography are male, and pornographic material is becoming increasingly explicit, violent, and focused on male pleasure. It’s also freely available to anyone online, and studies indicate it is how many young people find out about sex.
Pornography contributes to a culture of misogyny, in which women and girls are abused by men for male pleasure. Women are harmed by pornography in two ways: directly, when they are used for the production of pornographic material and indirectly, through the effects of mainstream availability and consumption of violent pornography.
Myth 15: Women are just as abusive as men
Reality: In many cases, domestic abuse is experienced by women and perpetrated by men. A woman is killed by her male partner or former partner every four days in the UK [4]. In the year ending March 2019, most defendants in domestic abuse-related prosecutions were men (92%), and the majority of victims were female (75%) (in 10% of cases the sex of the victim was not recorded) (ONS, 2019). It is a gendered crime which is deeply rooted in the societal inequality between women and men.
Women are more likely than men to experience multiple incidents of abuse, different types of domestic abuse, and sexual violence particularly.
Domestic abuse exists as part of the wider spectrum of violence against women and girls, which also includes different forms of family violence such as forced marriage, female genital mutilation and so-called “honour crimes” that are perpetrated primarily by family members.
Myth 16: Women often lie about abuse
Reality: False allegations about domestic abuse are extremely rare. The Crown Prosecution Service released the first ever study of this in 2013 and concluded that false allegations are even more infrequent than previously thought. In the 17-month period that the study examined, there were 111,891 prosecutions for domestic violence, and only six prosecutions for making false allegations.
This myth is extremely damaging, because the fear of being called a liar can and does deter women from reporting the abuse they have experienced.
Myth 17: Men who abuse women are mentally unwell
Reality: There is no research that supports this myth. Abuse and violence are a choice, and there is no excuse for them.
Myth 18: Women are attracted to abusive men
Reality: Domestic abuse is prevalent throughout society, and it is not uncommon for a woman to experience abuse in more than one relationship. To suggest that some women are particularly attracted to abusive men is victim-blaming. A perpetrator of domestic abuse can be charming and charismatic when they first meet a new partner, and often no one, let alone the person they have just met, would suspect they would ever be abusive in a relationship.
Myth 19: Men who abuse their partners saw their fathers abuse their mothers
Reality: Domestic abuse is prevalent throughout society, and because of this many people have grown up witnessing domestic abuse. Most of these people will never perpetrate domestic abuse in their own relationships, so it is never an excuse – and some the most passionate supporters and campaigners against domestic abuse are child survivors of domestic abuse.
Myth 20: Domestic abuse isn’t that common
Reality: Domestic abuse is very common. Domestic abuse has a higher rate of repeat victimisation than any other crime, and on average, the police receive over 100 emergency calls relating to domestic abuse every hour.
Myth 21: Domestic abuse is a ‘crime of passion’, a momentary loss of control
Reality: Domestic abuse is rarely about losing control but taking control. Abusive people rarely act spontaneously when angry. They consciously choose when to abuse their partner: when they are alone, and when there are no witnesses (if there is a witness, then usually they are a child). They have control over whom they abuse.
Myth 22: All couples argue – it’s not domestic abuse, it’s just a normal relationship
Reality: Abuse and disagreement are not the same things. Different opinions are normal and completely acceptable in healthy relationships. Abuse is not a disagreement – it is the use of physical, sexual, emotional, psychological violence, coercive control or threats in order to govern and control another person’s thinking, opinions, emotions and behaviour.
When abuse is involved, there is no discussion between equals. There is fear of saying or doing the ‘wrong’ thing.
Myth 23: Women are more likely to be attacked by strangers than by those who claim to love them.
Reality: In fact, the opposite is true. Women are far more likely to be assaulted, raped and murdered by men known to them than by strangers.
According to Rape Crisis, only around 10% of rapes are committed by men unknown to the victim. Women are far likelier to be attacked by a man they know and trust.
Anjum Mouj is a skilled consultant and trainer. Between 1987 and 2000 she worked for a number of voluntary sector groups including the London Black Women’s Project, a national Domestic and Sexual Abuse project that supports women and girls fleeing violence and abuse, where she managed major government funded projects. She currently works with the NSPCC, the Premier League and EW Consultancy to develop and deliver bespoke courses as a lead trainer, focusing particularly on unconscious bias, Domestic Abuse safeguarding adults and children and child protection, including working with trauma and chronic post-traumatic stress. Anjum is on the Board of Trustees for Queer Britain, Imaan Muslim LGBTQi Group and a non-executive Director of Red Snapper Group.
Notes
[1] https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/articles/domesticabusevictimcharacteristicsenglandandwales/yearendingmarch2022
[2] Imkaan
[3] https://www.restored-uk.org/blog/busting-myths-about-domestic-abuse/
[4] https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/myths/